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New Year's Resolutions

Worst Case Scenario

Ryan Shoup

Issue date: 1/21/11 Section: Focus
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After a horrendous brain dump onto 20-page final exams and a four-week post-exam hiatus doing practically nothing, the Worst Case Scenario has returned!

To everyone's pleasure, it's a new year and thus a new semester filled with personal campus complaints that, more likely than not, will be addressed and promptly forgotten. And I want to tell everyone that I'm OK with the results.

To get the new year started off right, I want to remind all the illustrious readers of The Observer, and specifically the Worst Case Scenario, that this column has no factual basis. I conduct absolutely no interviews, I search for facts that only serve to skew the column in my favor, and I generally write the column in an hour or less. In fact, this column has become so dangerous that I should probably start each week with a warning label. I must admit this column is based on the short-term: I write about events, e-mails, speeches, etc., that have struck me about Case Western in order to strike up conversation. After last semester, I'm sure the readers thought there was some malicious intent to this column, and in all honesty, by the time someone e-mails me a dissertation in defense of their work or activity, I have probably forgotten what I wrote.

In advance, I would like to apologize to anyone for the feelings I will inevitably hurt. Sorry.

Now that we have the disclaimer out of the way, I think we at Case Western should make outlandish new semester resolutions that we likely won't be able to keep - just like our personal New Year goals! Here are my top three:

1. Stage protests, boycott, or otherwise cause havoc over any tuition increases. I have made personal promises to understand why I pay more for the same educational product every year and continue to not say anything. This semester, our student population should make a resolution to channel their inner-hippie and stage a sit-in at Babs's or Bud's office.

2. Stop complaining about the weather. That's right, this year our second most important resolution should be to stop complaining about something we have no power over. Even though we may have all made a terrible choice in picking a school in the 'snow belt,' the weather will not change the more you complain about it.

In fact, a second part of this resolution will be to stop complaining about how hot it will be during move-in next August. Again, I blame you for choosing a school with schizophrenic weather moods.

3. Become neutral about biomedical engineers. As a non-BME, I'm tired of being blamed for not having as much work as a Case Western BME. This semester, I am taking a proactive approach by dropping recognition of the whole BME department - and I hope you join me! Although I enjoy your semesterly feats of academic strength, I still have no control over my professors' assigned work and refuse to be badgered for making a better life decision than you did.

There you have it! The Spring 2011 announcement of the outlandish, over-the-top, absurd resolutions that will help guide me - and hopefully you, too - during this semester. Let the anger begin!
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