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Spread the love, spread disease

Kuiper Beltran, Casanova-in-training

Issue date: 1/22/10 Section: Sex and Dating
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The month of January is a wonderful time. The lust that often accompanies sight of members of the opposite sex is mitigated by the fact that everyone leaving a heated building is adorned with so many layers of clothing. In some cases, it is impossible to identify them as members of the human race. In the event that someone is clothed in such a manner as to make enough of their face visible that they are easily identifiable, human biology's fallback kicks in and turns all of the mucus in their nose into a liquid with the viscosity of water. Excreting all of their mucus through the nose has the effect of making them akin to and as physically attractive as a running faucet.

The end result of this is that you find a comparatively low number of people with October birthdays, if you get my drift. However, one could almost consider these indignities to be logical biological defense mechanisms, birthed through evolution. In many cases, our desire to procreate is eclipsed by our desire for self-preservation, and avoiding intimate contact may aid heavily in department, as the season we now enter is one also marked by influenza.

Influenza is a disease which is roughly as pleasant as undergoing gastric bypass surgery without anesthetic. It also confers most of the same benefits by bestowing infectees with bouts of involuntary bulimia. The flu is fatal only in a small fraction of cases, and if you are a young adult, the possibility of death drops further. However, the flu is an experience which will likely make you lament the fact that it is not guaranteed to kill you. In addition to providing all of the comforts commonly associated with having red hot coals heaped onto your face, the flu can also cause you to miss class and fall behind academically. That, coupled with the possibility of death, means it is in your best interest to avoid the flu if at all possible. Avoiding the flu is as simple as completely avoiding contact with all members of the human race for six months out of the year.
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In This Issue

News

  • Bon Appétit inaugurates new compost program
  • CWRU copes with broken water main
  • Fair trade benefits explained at upcoming expo
  • Have you heard about Alpha Kappa Psi?
  • SEC referendum completed; student salaries no longer to be paid from the student activities fee
  • Tuition to jump four percent

Spartan Spotlight

  • Spartan Spotlight: Roxanne Leyshon

Sex and Dating

  • Finding the perfect V-Day gift

Sports

  • Clutch goals, big fight highlight final two games
  • Gobies get third at home tourney

Fun Page

  • Combo Scramble Solution
  • Killer Sudoku Solution
  • Sudoku Solutions

Worst Case Scenario

  • Just another day

Opinion

  • Letters to the Editor: Cultural competence and women's center
  • Relationships amid senior year
  • What makes a terrorist do what they do?

Basketball

  • Basketball Gameday: Case vs. Rochester
  • Offense checks out early against NYU
  • Throwback thrill

Cornerstone Epiphanies

  • Modern conservatives should reassess social stances

Focus

  • Another round at Cleveland's renowned Gateway District
  • Boulez leads Cleveland Orchestra through grand performances of Messiaen, Ravel, Debussy classics
  • Editorial: SEC referendum showed disregard for CWRU's media organizations
  • Eldred's Ballyhoo tells story of Jewish identity with stellar student cast
  • Fashion of love: Valentine's Day do's
  • Four CWRU alumni launch social networking website for musicians

Name That Place

  • Can you name this place?

Wrestling

  • Wrestling takes last in UAA

Pro Sports

  • For Cavs, keeping chemistry is key

State Your Case

  • What are your plans for St. Valentine's Day?

The Buzz

  • The Buzz
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