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          Passive pregnancy prevention plan

          Will Powers, pregnancy pariah

          Issue date: 11/20/09 Section: Sex and Dating
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          Three weeks ago, I discovered something shocking: I am enrolled in a biology course! Since I began showing up to class, though, I have encountered a number of distresses. Every day, with frightening regularity, there is a man at the front of the room who insists upon speaking very loudly about topics which are completely impertinent to my interests. Last week, I suggested to him that he speak on the topic of greatest interest to me - sex. His response was simply that sex was, biologically speaking, quite significant, as it is presently the only means by which humans can reproduce.

          This was a truly humbling experience. Up until now, I had thought that female genitalia existed only for the purpose of providing pleasure to male genitalia, specifically mine. However, it seems as though this highly complex system exists for the purpose of ensuring the survival of humanity. What a great burden our sex organs endure! I will certainly bear this in mind the next time I engage in particularly stressful intercourse. Despite how distressing an episode may be, I fornicate not for my own good, but for the good of the species.

          One of the conclusions that my newfound realization brought me to was that all of my previous partners were immensely irresponsible in their failure to warn me of the reproductive repercussions of sex. Whenever I purchase a sleep aid, the bottle always bears a label to warn me that consuming the contents may induce drowsiness. Is it not reasonable to ask that females bear labels cautioning, "Warning: insertion of member into this hole may result in pregnancy?"

          Of course, I realize now that asking women to bear warning labels would be truly silly indeed. Despite the many years I was kept in the dark (possibly due to my serial napping in education), it seems as though the simple fact that "sex makes babies" is actually common knowledge. This filled me with hope. "Now," I thought, "I can request sexual intercourse without sounding selfish." Instead of asking women whether they would like to pleasure me, I began initiating offers with the question, "Good lady, would you like to produce children with my assistance?"
          Continued...
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            Jack Merlot

            posted 12/21/09 @ 9:04 AM EST

            Brilliant!

            I feel compelled to not have any relations with members of my species for similar reasons. I believe that any offspring that may result from reproduction with females on this plane of existence would be resentful that I brought them into an already overcrowded, polluted, high-risk environment, which to me seems tantamount to sentencing someone you've never met to a lifetime of torture. (Continued…)

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            In This Issue

            News

            • Major work on LGBT Center completed
            • Meet your USG Executive Board
            • More to coffee than its morning punch
            • New international student orientation session debuts
            • Optimizing your credit cards
            • University names new controller
            • USG Briefs: Filer to be taken offline
            • Washington University ends partnership with Target

            Sports

            • A conversation with Otto Penicka, voice of Spartan athletics
            • Another year, another slap in the face
            • Conference Previews
            • Men's XC team to avenge snub
            • Spartan Spotlight: Cindy Spahn
            • Spartan women have their eye on return trip to Nationals
            • Women's Soccer looks to build on surprising season

            Opinion

            • Flouting the system, 101
            • Letter to the Editor: Commutes Students Association offers home to all CWRU students
            • Sex and Dating
            • Spreading the wealth
            • Student body, SEC ready to move on

            Focus

            • Going back to Those Gold Soundz: I was a six-year-old Phish phan
            • Kate Voegele, Meagan McCormick charm crowd at Welcome Back Concert
            • Movie review: Piranha 3D
            • One student's story: wielding Magic in foreign countries.
            • Scott Pilgrim epitomizes style over substance in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
            • SEC positively affecting campus
            • The Buzz
            • Welcome Back Comedy Night a real laugh
            • Welcome Days
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