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The morning after

Allie and Erika, the girls next door

Issue date: 10/30/09 Section: Sex and Dating
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We have noticed that Case students have a very self-deprecating sense of humor, and without fail, the number one point of this humor is their own awkwardness. Sex however, is not something to joke about. It is serious business. You want it, we want it, everyone wants it. In order to "get it" however, you must avoid, at all costs, the awkwardness resulting from the morning after a one-night stand.

Step One: The Partner. There are two choices here: someone you know, or someone you don't know at all. It may seem like this covers everyone, but really you are avoiding the most awkward group of all: those people you see in class, and never, ever talk to.

Step Two: Location. There are two parts to location. The first is not so much about where you are, but who is around. You should avoid situations where you will have to endure the walk of shame in front of, well really anyone. For example, walking out into the middle of a party is not the most desirable situation. Secondly, the physical location: don't do it if you don't know how to get home.

Step Three: The Deed. First off, refrain from making noises until you really know your partner. What you think is a sexy "love cry", may sound like childbirth to them. Secondly, stick to relatively tame positions. A one-night stand is not the time to try anything you read about in Cosmo. Finally, don't pay too much attention to any one body part on your partner…it comes off as a fetish. And speaking of coming, a condom is the only acceptable place.

Step Four: Good Morning. Never stay for breakfast. This will invariably lead to a drawn out affair, which is especially terrible if you don't know their name. Find all of your clothes and put them on. No one else wants your "going out" pants (a.k.a your lacy panties). Also, wake up the other person. If your hook-up involved alcohol, they will want to know what happened. It is OK to establish the events of the previous night.

Step Five: Oh, Hello Again. Do make eye contact. Do say hi, even if it was bad. Do take your cues from them. If they seem excited by seeing you again, go for it. If not, you may be socially ignoring them from here on out. Don't talk about it in front of other people. Don't assume third parties know how awesome your night was. Don't tell random people how awesome your night was. Don't add them on Facebook if you plan on never speaking to them again.

So, just follow these easy steps, and you too can increase your number, and decrease those moments that make you want to become celibate forever. Of course, we know that it will take some practice, but we are all for that!
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