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Talking over Mr. and Mrs. Right

Kuiper Beltran, Casanova-in-training

Issue date: 10/2/09 Section: Sex and Dating
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In writing a column for audiences of both male and female persuasion, I have encountered a tremendous difficulty: the English language lacks a singular non-gender-specific pronoun. For lack of a pronoun, this column's examples will use a hypothetical androgynous name like "Taylor" or "Cthulhu."

It's hard to understand how the dating process naturally progresses. Hollywood has led me to believe that the logical progression goes something like this:

1. Proposal of first date.

2. First date.

3. Marriage.

However, there is a critical step that takes place before marriage can occur: a marriage proposal.

Before you propose marriage, it is probably advisable to determine whether Cthulhu is marriage material. There are a lot of criteria to consider when evaluating someone as a potential partner for marriage. You should try to measure fiscal and sexual prudence. Generally, you want to marry someone who is not prone to spend freely. You also want someone who practices social monogamy. It's also a good idea to marry a person who is openly communicative and isn't deliberately cryptic. In short, any quality that would make someone desirable as a casual dating partner disqualifies them as a potential spouse.

If you intend to evaluate an individual as a potential spouse, you're going to need to get information about that person. Fortunately, there is a person who not only knows more about Cthulhu than anyone else on earth, but also tremendously enjoys talking about Cthulhu. That person is, of course, Cthulhu's mother. Alternatively, you could try asking Cthulhu. As surprising as it might be, most people tend to be experts on themselves, and they also tend to enjoy talking about themselves. I've heard it said that when you provide commentary on an individual, your commentary says more about you than the person you're commenting on. In this sense, asking people to talk about themselves is perfect, since they become both the commentator and the subject. It's the best of both worlds.
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In This Issue


  • Can you name this place?
  • Have you heard about Case Western Undergraduate Bioethics Society?
  • Homecoming at CWRU
  • Preparing for 2009's local and state elections
  • President Barbara Snyder engages the student body in first-ever student State of the University address
  • RAD classes aim to protect students
  • Six CWRU students test positive for H1N1
  • Students celebrate sustainability at campus-wide GreenFest


  • At least Anderson keeps it close
  • First round robin puts Spartans in driver's seat
  • Football Gameday: Case vs. Wooster
  • For Denison QB, first test is daunting
  • Judges bring Spartans down to earth

Fun Page

  • Combo Scramble Solution
  • Crossword Solution
  • Maze Solution
  • Sudoku Solutions


  • Drastic healthcare reform unnecessary, wasteful
  • Editorial: USG must take action, stem abundance of resignations
  • Moore's Capitalism: an undeserved bully pulpit
  • Recycling: getting to know your plastics
  • State sex education legislation provides needed overhaul
  • State your case: what do you do on a rainy day?


  • Acappella for Africa successful fundraiser for Global Medical Initiative, showcases CWRU's multiude of a cappella talents
  • Baker-Nord Center to hold student-run Flip Camera Film Festival
  • Botanical Gardens, Baker-Nord Center present compelling afternoon of poetry reading and composition
  • Cleveland Museum of Art opens Paul Gauguin: Paris, 1889 exhibit
  • Eldred Theater season opens with Heidi Chronicles
  • GLTF season opens with gut-busting Edwin Drood
  • Hitting the Spot: Cody Wood
  • Kid Cudi brings introspective musical perspective to Case Western
  • The Buzz
  • Thinking about summer jobs and real-world employment can never start too early

Cross Country

  • Women emerge from "mud pit" with title


  • Nicely catches 3 TDs in win

Sex and Dating

  • The real reason to get a flu shot


  • Streak snapped: Spartans get first UAA win since '06

Spartan Spotlight

  • Spartan Spotlight: Brian Evans

Worst Case Scenario

  • Cold season
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