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Risky business

Kuiper Beltran, Casanova-in-training

Issue date: 9/4/09 Section: Sex and Dating
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We live in a world where there are certain inequalities between genders, some of them based on biology. For example, the average man will never have to experience childbirth. However, men are forced by society into the position of having to initiate the first date, which is only slightly less agonizing than childbirth. When you factor in the fact that the man will probably be funding both operations, it pretty much evens out in the end.

Although I haven't studied physics extensively, I'm certain that from a relativistic standpoint, "asking a girl out" is the longest event that a guy can experience. Although the actual duration of a date proposal may be only a matter of seconds, for a guy it can feel like the better part of a lifetime. Some guys mistakenly believe that the slowed passage of time applies directly to reality as well, leading to nonsensical statements like "heydoyouwanttogooutsometime," completely omitting the vital portion of the conversation where they are supposed to comment on the weather.

Asking someone out on a first date is a game of Risk. My father once told me that the most important thing to remember in any game of Risk is that the person who controls Australia first will probably win, since you get two extra armies per turn. There are several things you can potentially lose in this endeavor, such as your dignity and paycheck. However, the potential gains are so astronomical that I'm unable to recollect any of them.

If you intend to ask someone out on a date, the first thing you'll need to do is muster up the courage to do so. There are some people who are blessed enough to be naturally courageous, and by "naturally courageous" I mean "tremendously stupid." These individuals are often heard making remarks like, "This food is past its expiration date but it still tastes edible" and "I'm going to find out whether this shirt I'm wearing is fireproof." For these people, asking someone out on a date is a low-risk endeavor compared with most of their daily activities.
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Viewing Comments 1 - 4 of 4

    Harry Faucet

    posted 9/04/09 @ 12:44 PM EST

    This story isn't funny or helpful. I suggest removing the author from this title on the staff.

    Details   Reply to this comment

    frog3

    posted 9/05/09 @ 9:15 PM EST

    harry faucet is a stupid doo doo head and i loved this article

    Details   Reply to this comment

    KYLE

    posted 9/05/09 @ 10:22 PM EST

    This is awesome, and I'm finally going to ask that girl out that shares that book with me and runs away when I try to ask her about her other classes/hobbies. (Continued…)

    Details   Reply to this comment

    THATS IT

    posted 9/08/09 @ 11:11 PM EST

    All these years and all I had to do was go steal my own turf. THANKS OXYCLEAN

    Details   Reply to this comment

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    In This Issue

    News

    • A conversation with Major Jason Winterle
    • Budgeting 101 for college students
    • Can you name this place?
    • Case holds first annual Campus Security Fair
    • Case Western prepares to serve community
    • Have you heard about ACM?
    • Nursing "freshmen stimulus" provides support for incoming students, provokes unease
    • USG Briefs

    Sports

    • Club sports & news
    • Fantasy Football
    • Gameday
    • Volleyball goes 3-1 at Wooster
    • Women's soccer takes two at JCU

    Fun Page

    • Crossword Solution
    • Maze Solution
    • Sudoku Solutions

    Opinion

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    • Buenos Aires: most romantic city?
    • Editorial: Student groups deserve credit for programming
    • Learning to be responsible
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Letters to the Editor
    • State your case photos: What would you do with an Inamori Ethics Prize?

    Focus

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    • Dittrick Medical History Center reopens exhibit on history of contraception
    • Fashion for the frugal: look stylish on a budget
    • Hitting the Spot: The Antlers
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    • The Buzz
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    • Trail of Dead coming to Cleveland

    Football

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    Sex and Dating

    • Executing the first date

    Soccer

    • Stopped at nothing: Spartans shut out No. 21 Ohio Northern

    Spartan Spotlight

    • Spartan Spotlight: Andrea Wojtowicz
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