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The Worst Case Scenario: Enjoying Cleveland in the spring

Kyle Niemi

Issue date: 3/6/09 Section: Focus
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If I have to hear one more person's amazing plans for spring break, I'm going to throw up all over them. While my friends are getting geared up to head to warm beaches and exotic locales, I am trying my best to get them sick so they'll be forced to stick around Cleveland with me. If you too will be here over break, please accept my condolences and a suggestion: Ipecac works amazingly. However, while staying in Cleveland lacks the glamour and overall enjoyability of going pretty much anywhere else, there are at least five things you can do to brighten up your break, even on the most overcast days. By planning your break with these activities in mind, perhaps you can take your mind off the great trip you're not going on.

The first thing you should do is take a tour of the downtown area and check out all of the cool abandoned buildings. See uninspired architecture, boarded up storefronts, and block after block of desolation. It's like a modern day ghost town! If you're lucky, you might even be able to snag a picture of a drug deal in progress. The opportunities are nearly endless. Just remember not to get mugged.

After you've seen everything there is to see downtown, bring the depressing post-industrial spirit back with you by starting an underground fight club. Perhaps surprisingly, this is one of the simplest things ever. All you need to do is clear space in your room, rip up the carpet if you have any, fill the room with low-quality cigar smoke, and find a box you can fill with money. Fighters will mysteriously start showing up at your door to beat the crap out of each other, and seedy men in old suits will show up to place their bets. Find a bell to ring and watch the teeth fly.

Once you get tired of watching grown men beat each other up, take some time to learn about the local culture. Find out exactly what it is that makes our fair city tick. I suggest visiting a meat processing plant. If the smell of Cleveland is any indication, the city is chock full of them, and they might be the best place to learn what it means to be a Clevelander. See exactly what it is that goes into the finest hot dogs and bologna in northeast Ohio in a whirlwind tour that will be sure to leave you staggering.

If you're looking for a fun outdoor activity, I can't recommend enough the wonderful surfing opportunities we have. Make the short drive up to the fabulous beaches of Lake Erie for an event to remember. If you don't have a surfboard, I'm sure you'll be able to find a rusty sheet of steel lying on the beach, which is pretty close to the real thing. Just remember not to touch the water! Four limbs are probably enough.

If all of these great tips fail to convince you of the merits of remaining in Cleveland during spring break, I have one last recommendation: drink. If you drink enough, you'll have no idea and not a bit of interest in where you are. And that's just as good.
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In This Issue

News

  • E.O. Wilson delivers Distinguished Lecture
  • Have you heard about: Student Executive Council?
  • Research at Case: Indian philosophy
  • The Internet and your finances
  • University continues to look for input on SAGES
  • USG � BRIEF
  • USG's Student Life Improvement Grant delayed, but still moving

Sports

  • Baseball: Spartans split No. 10 Wooster
  • Men's Basketball: Spartans get happy ending against Emory
  • MLB Preview: Angels will continue to dominate AL West
  • Softball Preview: Young, small squad and interim head coach hope to come together
  • Spartan Spotlight: Phil Keefe
  • Track & Field: Nwanna mastering all trades
  • Women's basketball struggles in second half, falls to Emory

Fun Page

  • Crossword Answers
  • Jumble Answers
  • Sudoku Answers

Opinion

  • Chimp mauling, octomom clog Congressional operations
  • Editorial: Grant selection process needs refinement
  • Good night's sleep brings health, success

Focus

  • Local artist opens tongue-in-cheek exhibit at AAWR
  • Memoir strays from current popular topics, brings refreshing take to genre
  • Sex and Dating: The benefits of casual sex
  • Spartans of Style: Picking the perfect suit
  • Spring break 2009: a slice of Case students' travel plans
  • The Buzz
  • The Secret Ingredient: Tart and tangy grapefruit
  • The Worst Case Scenario: Enjoying Cleveland in the spring
  • U2 expands Horizon with experimental album
  • Watchmen delivers on hype, lives up to comics
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