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The Worst Case Scenario: Road to fame

Kyle Niemi

Issue date: 1/30/09 Section: Focus
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So, you want to be a famous recording artist? Of course you do. It's everyone's dream to live a life of lavish excess, buying fast cars and huge mansions, all in a desperate attempt to remain young forever. But you've got a problem there, and it's called a lack of that "it" factor. You need that special something that makes people want to hide in the closet of your dressing room, waiting for a chance to steal your deodorant. Right now you don't have it, but fortunately I'm here to help.

Before you go on about how you've been playing guitar for 12 years, or how you have the singing voice of an archangel, here's a secret: I don't care. Talent has nothing to do with being a big-name recording artist, as I'm sure Dave Matthews and his band can tell you. People will like whatever they're told to like. The music business is all about image, and yours is going to need some work.

The first and most important thing you'll need is a name. If you're planning on doing a solo project, don't even think about using your own name. People are bored with all the Jack Johnsons and Lily Allens out there. Unless your name is Ghostface Killah, you're going to have to invent a new one. Try something that reflects your personality. If you, like many Case students, enjoy spending every waking hour in the library, go for something along the lines of Bookmaster Flex. Or perhaps try Sir Study-a-Lot.

On the other hand, if you plan to start a band, avoid the tired convention of putting a "the" before your name. Look, I love definite articles just as much as the next guy, but you should try something more unique. People love long, obscure band names because it makes them feel like they know something others do not. Here's a name I've thought up that you can have for free: Remember That One Time When We Were Driving To Detroit But It Snowed And We Had To Turn Back? That Sucked.

After you've picked an award-winning name, you need to figure out a personal style. You can be a hip-hop diva, a glam rocker, or even a bluegrass hillbilly. You have a lot of options here, but the best one might be to invent a new style. Try only wearing clothes with lots of painfully bright colored stripes. Call your style the anti-mime. People will eat that up.

Next you'll need a compelling back-story. The public loves a good tale about overcoming adversity and stuff like that. Tell people you were raised in inner city Baltimore by a flock of vicious pigeons that ate your real parents. Now there's a tearjerker.

At this point you've done all the hard work, and now you just have to get the actual music out of the way. Really, don't even worry about it. With the image you've got going on, music will be the least of your concerns. Just slap some half-baked junk on a compact disc, and sit back as the cash rolls in.

Good job. You're now a famous recording artist. I'll see you at the Grammy's.
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In This Issue


  • Black History Month luncheon
  • Empowered by credit cards
  • Have you heard about: Engineers Without Borders?
  • Integrity Week to kick off
  • Robert Petit lecture elucidates Cambodia's "killing fields"
  • Student State of the University Address looks for improvement
  • Survey results provide new details of SAGES progress
  • Tuition increase scaled back amid tough times


  • A strong finish, finally
  • Browns fans should rethink rivalry
  • Dukes, Gardella place at Wheaton Invitational
  • Hockey: Against Pitt-Greensburg, third period and power play problems
  • Spartan Spotlight: Bryan Erce
  • Swimmers get wins in last meet before conferences
  • Throwback Weekend: Old-school jerseys are a growing trend
  • Track: Case, Mellon go head-to-head in first dual
  • Women's Basketball: Henry's last-second layup lifts Spartans

Fun Page

  • Crossword Answers
  • Jumble Answers
  • Sudoku Answers


  • Editorial: Modest tuition hike shows consideration
  • Engineering solutions to climate change not ideal, but worth studying
  • Letter to the editor: Putting life on hold for inauguration is over the top
  • You don't have to hate Valentine's Day: expand your options


  • Alternative girl band makes its Cleveland debut
  • Case Men's Glee Club sings their hearts out for another year
  • Fantasies come true
  • Film based on self-help book falls flat, despite star-studded cast
  • Listen Up
  • Local band makes name for itself, even across the Atlantic
  • Rocker teaches how to make a band work in new book
  • The Buzz
  • The Secret Ingredient: Popcorn Paradise
  • The Spartan guide to style: Preparing to spring forward
  • The Worst Case Scenario: Saving the economy
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