Martyrs of Valentine's Day
Kuiper Beltran, Casanova-in-training
Issue date: 2/5/10 Section: Sex and Dating
As we near mid-February, we all become increasingly aware of the holiday which looms on the horizon. Every year, couples around the world snuggle up to each other to celebrate the martyrdom of Saint Valentine.
Just kidding! Nobody wants to think about a painful and torturous Roman execution and the brutality of being flogged while bleeding to death. Instead, Valentine's Day should be a romantic celebration of commercialization. If you're in a relationship, you're obligated to acknowledge the holiday somehow, and what better way to reveal the sincerity of your love by living beyond your means for one day?
If you're in an existing relationship, Valentine's Day is likely something that you'll want to give yourself time to plan. If you haven't already, start now. Fifty-three weeks should still be enough time for you to get reservations at a restaurant and a trans-Atlantic cruise ship.
Some singles regard V-day as a golden opportunity to make a move on a potential romantic interest. The romantic flag that a Valentine's Day date sends up is a huge selling point for people who don't want to have their date mistaken for a strictly platonic engagement. On the other hand, it's important not to fall into the trap of over-doing the V-day date. If you start things off too heavy, it's difficult for your relationship to progress in a manner that is normal and healthy. If you need to take out a loan to pay for the date, you are doing it wrong.
If you are casually dating a number of people, Valentine's Day may become a potentially awkward holiday for you. If you find yourself in this situation, my suggestion would be that you come down with a cold several days in advance. This provides you with an excuse that is plausible, universally applicable, and genuinely effective in deterring attention for the duration of your illness. If you find yourself faced with a persistent individual who claims to have a strong immune system, it may be necessary to resort to more drastic measures, such as ebola.
In terms of non-verbal confessions, I am not a huge fan of the anonymous note. During my senior year of high school, the week of Valentine's Day I found a note in my locker from an individual who claimed to have been watching me. The note contained some poetic imagery which mentioned the cessation of heartbeat. Due to the wording of the note, I ascertained that it was either a confession or a death threat, and spent the rest of the week paranoid.
Valentine's Day is a magical holiday that advantageously comes early enough to coincide with muddy non-liquid precipitation while still catching the beginning of allergy season. A saint was martyred so that you might pay for overpriced boxes of chocolates and flowers, and it would be downright sinister of you to not observe it. Those in relationships adhere to its unwritten codes out of duty, but singles are truly aware of the reason to celebrate Valentine's Day: lack of sanity.
Just kidding! Nobody wants to think about a painful and torturous Roman execution and the brutality of being flogged while bleeding to death. Instead, Valentine's Day should be a romantic celebration of commercialization. If you're in a relationship, you're obligated to acknowledge the holiday somehow, and what better way to reveal the sincerity of your love by living beyond your means for one day?
If you're in an existing relationship, Valentine's Day is likely something that you'll want to give yourself time to plan. If you haven't already, start now. Fifty-three weeks should still be enough time for you to get reservations at a restaurant and a trans-Atlantic cruise ship.
Some singles regard V-day as a golden opportunity to make a move on a potential romantic interest. The romantic flag that a Valentine's Day date sends up is a huge selling point for people who don't want to have their date mistaken for a strictly platonic engagement. On the other hand, it's important not to fall into the trap of over-doing the V-day date. If you start things off too heavy, it's difficult for your relationship to progress in a manner that is normal and healthy. If you need to take out a loan to pay for the date, you are doing it wrong.
If you are casually dating a number of people, Valentine's Day may become a potentially awkward holiday for you. If you find yourself in this situation, my suggestion would be that you come down with a cold several days in advance. This provides you with an excuse that is plausible, universally applicable, and genuinely effective in deterring attention for the duration of your illness. If you find yourself faced with a persistent individual who claims to have a strong immune system, it may be necessary to resort to more drastic measures, such as ebola.
In terms of non-verbal confessions, I am not a huge fan of the anonymous note. During my senior year of high school, the week of Valentine's Day I found a note in my locker from an individual who claimed to have been watching me. The note contained some poetic imagery which mentioned the cessation of heartbeat. Due to the wording of the note, I ascertained that it was either a confession or a death threat, and spent the rest of the week paranoid.
Valentine's Day is a magical holiday that advantageously comes early enough to coincide with muddy non-liquid precipitation while still catching the beginning of allergy season. A saint was martyred so that you might pay for overpriced boxes of chocolates and flowers, and it would be downright sinister of you to not observe it. Those in relationships adhere to its unwritten codes out of duty, but singles are truly aware of the reason to celebrate Valentine's Day: lack of sanity.
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