Passive pregnancy prevention plan
Will Powers, pregnancy pariah
Issue date: 11/20/09 Section: Sex and Dating
Three weeks ago, I discovered something shocking: I am enrolled in a biology course! Since I began showing up to class, though, I have encountered a number of distresses. Every day, with frightening regularity, there is a man at the front of the room who insists upon speaking very loudly about topics which are completely impertinent to my interests. Last week, I suggested to him that he speak on the topic of greatest interest to me - sex. His response was simply that sex was, biologically speaking, quite significant, as it is presently the only means by which humans can reproduce.
This was a truly humbling experience. Up until now, I had thought that female genitalia existed only for the purpose of providing pleasure to male genitalia, specifically mine. However, it seems as though this highly complex system exists for the purpose of ensuring the survival of humanity. What a great burden our sex organs endure! I will certainly bear this in mind the next time I engage in particularly stressful intercourse. Despite how distressing an episode may be, I fornicate not for my own good, but for the good of the species.
One of the conclusions that my newfound realization brought me to was that all of my previous partners were immensely irresponsible in their failure to warn me of the reproductive repercussions of sex. Whenever I purchase a sleep aid, the bottle always bears a label to warn me that consuming the contents may induce drowsiness. Is it not reasonable to ask that females bear labels cautioning, "Warning: insertion of member into this hole may result in pregnancy?"
Of course, I realize now that asking women to bear warning labels would be truly silly indeed. Despite the many years I was kept in the dark (possibly due to my serial napping in education), it seems as though the simple fact that "sex makes babies" is actually common knowledge. This filled me with hope. "Now," I thought, "I can request sexual intercourse without sounding selfish." Instead of asking women whether they would like to pleasure me, I began initiating offers with the question, "Good lady, would you like to produce children with my assistance?"
This was a truly humbling experience. Up until now, I had thought that female genitalia existed only for the purpose of providing pleasure to male genitalia, specifically mine. However, it seems as though this highly complex system exists for the purpose of ensuring the survival of humanity. What a great burden our sex organs endure! I will certainly bear this in mind the next time I engage in particularly stressful intercourse. Despite how distressing an episode may be, I fornicate not for my own good, but for the good of the species.
One of the conclusions that my newfound realization brought me to was that all of my previous partners were immensely irresponsible in their failure to warn me of the reproductive repercussions of sex. Whenever I purchase a sleep aid, the bottle always bears a label to warn me that consuming the contents may induce drowsiness. Is it not reasonable to ask that females bear labels cautioning, "Warning: insertion of member into this hole may result in pregnancy?"
Of course, I realize now that asking women to bear warning labels would be truly silly indeed. Despite the many years I was kept in the dark (possibly due to my serial napping in education), it seems as though the simple fact that "sex makes babies" is actually common knowledge. This filled me with hope. "Now," I thought, "I can request sexual intercourse without sounding selfish." Instead of asking women whether they would like to pleasure me, I began initiating offers with the question, "Good lady, would you like to produce children with my assistance?"
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Jack Merlot
posted 12/21/09 @ 9:04 AM EST
Brilliant!
I feel compelled to not have any relations with members of my species for similar reasons. I believe that any offspring that may result from reproduction with females on this plane of existence would be resentful that I brought them into an already overcrowded, polluted, high-risk environment, which to me seems tantamount to sentencing someone you've never met to a lifetime of torture. (Continued…)
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