Tips for survival
Ruchi Asher
Issue date: 11/13/09 Section: Focus
Making it to graduation successfully, with a job offer or graduate school scholarship requires superhuman powers. It is no secret that it's a cutthroat world outside of your dorm room. Some drown their stresses with borderline alcoholism; others push their bodies to the limit with viral workaholism. Either way, it's no secret that winning at this ridiculous game called college requires a few special skills.
First, it's entirely necessary to possess a weird love for competition. Those who enjoy helping others have no place here at Case. The only exceptions to this are certain engineers who realize that they might actually fail their classes without collaboration. For pre-meds wishing to get into the top schools, however, remember that you have no friends, only people that will help you get to Harvard medical school and those you have to destroy on your way there. Remember that everything in life, from grades to research, to waiting in stir-fry line at Fribley is a competition, and being successful as a Case student means getting your stir-fry before anyone else is served.
Second, leadership is crucial to being a hireable candidate. Once upon a time, leadership meant possessing experience and the ability to inspire others to take action. These days, leadership probably has little to do with sage wisdom and experience. In fact, leadership positions are as easy to find as free condoms. Have some free time on your hands? Run for a USG position! They're always losing representatives and constantly need more. A really ambitious student could try starting her own club, just to be president. I hear there's a real niche for an underwater basket-weaving club. At the London School of Economics, ambitious, entrepreneurial students started the LARA - Lager and Real Ale - Society. LARA became wildly popular, and its founders now enjoy high-paying jobs and studying at ultra-prestigious graduate schools.
Third, one needs to have a magical ability to be in three different places at once. Having a leadership position is all fine and great, but everyone knows that being a significant player on campus means getting involved in every important group possible. Being a USG rep isn't enough: a really conscientious student will probably be on RHA, SEC, UPB, and a number of other acronyms. And of course, being an orientation leader is an absolute necessity; it's the perfect way to establish campus domination early on. Retaining a campus job as well as engaging in volunteer service is completely necessary. The only way to accomplish all of this is to clone oneself, making it possible to fulfil multiple commitments at once.
Finally, the most important superpower needed to survive life at Case is insomnia. Sleep is for the weak, and there is no doubt that each and every student would be ridiculously more successful - socially, academically, and otherwise - if sleep weren't such a necessary part of life. While the humans vs. zombies battle rages onward, the real victors are the humans who are slowly turning into zombies from sleep deprivation. Surviving without sleep is probably the single most useful superpower needed to be a rock star at Case Western Reserve University.
First, it's entirely necessary to possess a weird love for competition. Those who enjoy helping others have no place here at Case. The only exceptions to this are certain engineers who realize that they might actually fail their classes without collaboration. For pre-meds wishing to get into the top schools, however, remember that you have no friends, only people that will help you get to Harvard medical school and those you have to destroy on your way there. Remember that everything in life, from grades to research, to waiting in stir-fry line at Fribley is a competition, and being successful as a Case student means getting your stir-fry before anyone else is served.
Second, leadership is crucial to being a hireable candidate. Once upon a time, leadership meant possessing experience and the ability to inspire others to take action. These days, leadership probably has little to do with sage wisdom and experience. In fact, leadership positions are as easy to find as free condoms. Have some free time on your hands? Run for a USG position! They're always losing representatives and constantly need more. A really ambitious student could try starting her own club, just to be president. I hear there's a real niche for an underwater basket-weaving club. At the London School of Economics, ambitious, entrepreneurial students started the LARA - Lager and Real Ale - Society. LARA became wildly popular, and its founders now enjoy high-paying jobs and studying at ultra-prestigious graduate schools.
Third, one needs to have a magical ability to be in three different places at once. Having a leadership position is all fine and great, but everyone knows that being a significant player on campus means getting involved in every important group possible. Being a USG rep isn't enough: a really conscientious student will probably be on RHA, SEC, UPB, and a number of other acronyms. And of course, being an orientation leader is an absolute necessity; it's the perfect way to establish campus domination early on. Retaining a campus job as well as engaging in volunteer service is completely necessary. The only way to accomplish all of this is to clone oneself, making it possible to fulfil multiple commitments at once.
Finally, the most important superpower needed to survive life at Case is insomnia. Sleep is for the weak, and there is no doubt that each and every student would be ridiculously more successful - socially, academically, and otherwise - if sleep weren't such a necessary part of life. While the humans vs. zombies battle rages onward, the real victors are the humans who are slowly turning into zombies from sleep deprivation. Surviving without sleep is probably the single most useful superpower needed to be a rock star at Case Western Reserve University.
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