The Worst Case Scenario: Finagling your way out of finals
Kyle Niemi
Issue date: 12/5/08 Section: Focus
Today is the last day of classes, and that means one thing for Case students: approaching finals. The most horrible time of the year for many of us, the next couple of weeks promise to be jam-packed with pain and suffering. If you are already feeling overwhelmed by the many papers and/or tests you will be forced to complete, you're not alone. However, there are some things - nefarious things - you can do to halt the impending grind of finals. Read on, and remember: you didn't hear this from me.
Be upfront: Try telling your professor exactly what you think of their wretched examinations. If he or she has provided you with a sample test to practice with, be sure to bring it with you and tear it up in front of them. Lastly, throw in some filthy language in reference to his or her family. If you were sufficiently insulting, hopefully your professor will immediately fail you, eliminating any need for finals. Commence celebrating.
Find a sucker: There are two types of people in this world: people who do work, and people who get other people to do their work for them. You want to be the latter. Get your roommate or one of your pathetic friends to write your paper and take your tests. I mean, sure, you've been learning the material for months, and, yes, your friend may or may not know the difference between histones and hail stones, but these are mere details. Have faith that your minion might not totally screw you over. Plus, there is totally a possibility that your dishonesty won't get you blacklisted from every academic institution under the sun.
Make a run for it: Top off the tank and pick a highway, because it's time to get out of here. This method is especially handy if you have family nagging you to one day receive a college degree. Start by creating an alias and then take yourself completely off the grid. When you run out of money, just head to the nearest train station and hitch a ride. Hobos don't take tests and write papers; they wrap their belongings in cloth and drink heavily. It's pretty much heaven.
Fake your own death: See if your professors will test you when you're dead! Warning: this method of avoiding work takes a little bit of work and may have lasting ramifications. Usually once you're legally dead, it's hard to become legally undead (unless you're a zombie). And, unfortunately, the non-living generally do not have great credit scores, which will make impressing the ladies pretty difficult. However, when the going gets rough, the rough stage their own deaths. Your main task will be to find a way to make your disappearance look convincing. For example: leave a note about how the airlock failed and you were sucked into space. I'm reasonably certain no one will ask questions.
There is one small downside to all of these plans, but I suppose I had better mention it. You will not graduate. But if you came to college to graduate, well…you probably had the right idea. Carry on.
Be upfront: Try telling your professor exactly what you think of their wretched examinations. If he or she has provided you with a sample test to practice with, be sure to bring it with you and tear it up in front of them. Lastly, throw in some filthy language in reference to his or her family. If you were sufficiently insulting, hopefully your professor will immediately fail you, eliminating any need for finals. Commence celebrating.
Find a sucker: There are two types of people in this world: people who do work, and people who get other people to do their work for them. You want to be the latter. Get your roommate or one of your pathetic friends to write your paper and take your tests. I mean, sure, you've been learning the material for months, and, yes, your friend may or may not know the difference between histones and hail stones, but these are mere details. Have faith that your minion might not totally screw you over. Plus, there is totally a possibility that your dishonesty won't get you blacklisted from every academic institution under the sun.
Make a run for it: Top off the tank and pick a highway, because it's time to get out of here. This method is especially handy if you have family nagging you to one day receive a college degree. Start by creating an alias and then take yourself completely off the grid. When you run out of money, just head to the nearest train station and hitch a ride. Hobos don't take tests and write papers; they wrap their belongings in cloth and drink heavily. It's pretty much heaven.
Fake your own death: See if your professors will test you when you're dead! Warning: this method of avoiding work takes a little bit of work and may have lasting ramifications. Usually once you're legally dead, it's hard to become legally undead (unless you're a zombie). And, unfortunately, the non-living generally do not have great credit scores, which will make impressing the ladies pretty difficult. However, when the going gets rough, the rough stage their own deaths. Your main task will be to find a way to make your disappearance look convincing. For example: leave a note about how the airlock failed and you were sucked into space. I'm reasonably certain no one will ask questions.
There is one small downside to all of these plans, but I suppose I had better mention it. You will not graduate. But if you came to college to graduate, well…you probably had the right idea. Carry on.
Be the first to comment on this story