The Worst Case Scenario: Coping with chills
Kyle Niemi
Issue date: 11/21/08 Section: Focus
Winter doesn't officially start until the 21st of December, but I'm already desperately making excuses in an attempt to never leave the house. Chilly weather is the bane of my existence, and I have nothing nice to say about snow. As far as I'm concerned, winter is nothing more than a frigid vendetta that Mother Nature has against us. If you're like me and have trouble seeing the merits of freezing to death, I've put together some tips for staying warm during this prolonged, tortuous season.
1. Bundle up. It's important to wear plenty of layers when braving the elements this winter. Nature would just love to claim your arms and legs with a hideous case of frostbite. She's hateful, I tell you.
When looking for clothes to layer, remember the more the better. If you aren't approximately spherical by the time you've finished bundling, then you're doing it wrong. Perhaps you don't have the sheer volume of clothes required for this process: use any sheets, blankets, or towels that you have in your room. Top off your look by wrapping your mattress around you - it makes a great windbreaker.
2. Consider alternative transportation. Walking is great and all, but if you would rather be more human than popsicle, consider a better way. Snowmobiles provide a great means of getting to and from class in a hurry without all the usual drama. Think of how life would improve if you could ride over the snow, instead of falling into it and getting trampled by fellow classmates. If you would prefer a green-energy solution because you're some kind of hippie, see what you can do about getting a dogsled. Now, just take a moment, and imagine what the Case campus would be like if everyone had a dogsled. In a word: awesome.
3. Keep warm indoors. Whether you're at home, class, or elsewhere, sometimes it can be chilly inside as well as out. Few things are so demoralizing as being cold while indoors, so you'll want to make your first priority a source of heat. You may not be able to start a fire in the middle of a room, but there are plenty of other ways to keep warm. Like many problems, this one can be solved by alcohol. Alternatively, you should check out this week's Sex and Dating.
4. Flee Cleveland. This is probably the most useful point on this list. Seriously, if you can get out of this frozen hell, go and don't come back.
It's cold out folks, and it's only going to get colder. Hopefully, by adopting some of these tips, you can make it out of winter's icy grip alive and warm. Nature has it in for us all, but you can show her what's up. Next time you waddle outside, bundled up tightly and excessively, let her know exactly what you think of her bone-chilling tricks: look up into the sky, raise your heavily gloved hand, and extend your numb middle finger. That'll make her think twice next time. Either that, or it will infuriate her more.
1. Bundle up. It's important to wear plenty of layers when braving the elements this winter. Nature would just love to claim your arms and legs with a hideous case of frostbite. She's hateful, I tell you.
When looking for clothes to layer, remember the more the better. If you aren't approximately spherical by the time you've finished bundling, then you're doing it wrong. Perhaps you don't have the sheer volume of clothes required for this process: use any sheets, blankets, or towels that you have in your room. Top off your look by wrapping your mattress around you - it makes a great windbreaker.
2. Consider alternative transportation. Walking is great and all, but if you would rather be more human than popsicle, consider a better way. Snowmobiles provide a great means of getting to and from class in a hurry without all the usual drama. Think of how life would improve if you could ride over the snow, instead of falling into it and getting trampled by fellow classmates. If you would prefer a green-energy solution because you're some kind of hippie, see what you can do about getting a dogsled. Now, just take a moment, and imagine what the Case campus would be like if everyone had a dogsled. In a word: awesome.
3. Keep warm indoors. Whether you're at home, class, or elsewhere, sometimes it can be chilly inside as well as out. Few things are so demoralizing as being cold while indoors, so you'll want to make your first priority a source of heat. You may not be able to start a fire in the middle of a room, but there are plenty of other ways to keep warm. Like many problems, this one can be solved by alcohol. Alternatively, you should check out this week's Sex and Dating.
4. Flee Cleveland. This is probably the most useful point on this list. Seriously, if you can get out of this frozen hell, go and don't come back.
It's cold out folks, and it's only going to get colder. Hopefully, by adopting some of these tips, you can make it out of winter's icy grip alive and warm. Nature has it in for us all, but you can show her what's up. Next time you waddle outside, bundled up tightly and excessively, let her know exactly what you think of her bone-chilling tricks: look up into the sky, raise your heavily gloved hand, and extend your numb middle finger. That'll make her think twice next time. Either that, or it will infuriate her more.
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